Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A+ Viking dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize