Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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