so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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