Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
