i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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