What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
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whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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