That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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