I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
