There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
