I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
