Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
