last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
