Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
