theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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