Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
