when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
