I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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