Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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