Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just high enough for therapy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
