sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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