i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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