I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
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I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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