i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
