high people should be assigned attendants
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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