I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
