Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
