Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
