I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
