I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
