You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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