I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.