If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
