He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no