It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
