He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
