I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
