How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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