Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize