mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
