i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and she was petting her beer can
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i believe in u and ur pee
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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