he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's always time for handjobs
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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