My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
