Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You are a genius and a whore.
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