how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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