Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
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So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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