anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
