If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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