so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
