He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
