dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
