Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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