I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
