Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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