If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's never too late to be topless.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
