she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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