I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
