I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's always time for handjobs
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
