I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
