where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
