Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
