i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
