I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
