I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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